Crafty
Have you ever met someone and thought " Wow, now there is a really nice person", then only to find out behind all that cuteness is the devil himself? No, I am NOT talking about Emily THIS time people... When I registered Emily for her Craft class I met the chick who was going to be "teaching" the class. She was oh so sweet... a cute little girl with a squeaky voice and fresh into her twenties. She went on and on how she couldn't wait to meet Emily, told me about all the crafts she had planned... Yadda Yadda. I left thinking that she was UBER nice and that maybe I really am a bitch for thinking people suck most of the time. Now, let's fast forward shall we?
People, the first class last week wasn't so bad. It was me more of showing Emily what actually we were supposed to be doing there. She sat on my lap, we glued, colored, squeezed glitter... fun shit for a 2 year old. The craft we were working on was on display at the head of the table to show us what everything was supposed to look like. Mind you, I don't give a rat's ass what the craft is supposed to look like. I am there for three reasons:
1. To get my caged monkey out of the house for awhile
2. To make a mess in somebody else's "house", if you will.
3. The whole Bonding thing
Well, this fresh 20 something chick doesn't get that whole thing. The first time we went to the class I was just trying to get Em into the swing of things and thought maybe she was as well... Firstly she is one of those people that do not have kids that speaks to them as if they are all idiots in that sickly sweet squeaky voice... it is annoying as hell... but she seemed a bit edgy and upset that our toddler's crafts were not up to par with the displays. She actually said to me at one point " I guess it's okay that you allow your child to do their own thing".... Hmmm, ya think? Do you mean to tell me you actually think she is going to be able to copy all your drawings? Ummmm, she is two, she likes to color on herself more than the paper.... So, then at the end of class she has a "snack" for them, or what I like to call a bag of crack.... It might as well have been as she gave a bunch of two year olds at 10 in the morning 4 double stuffed chocolate Oreos. Not only that but this chick actually thought she was going to get these kids to stand in a line quietly and squared away before receiving their " bag O crack". She kept getting upset if a child would get out of line.... But again, I was thinking it is all new to her and maybe being around that many kidos was getting to her.... So, let's fast forward again to yesterday.
The kids were supposed to make a self portrait using a paperplate for their face and cut out shirt to glue to it. You were supposed to decorate the shirt with their name and pictures representing things they liked or liked to do. Yeah, okay... I gave Em the marker and said have at it.... So, crazy chicky comes around and starts inspecting our work.... She tried to "explain" to me what the shirt is supposed to look like as I guess she figured that I am an idiot and can not tell by the display. I tried to explain to her that Emily does not not how to draw a straight line let alone make a picture. She didn't look to happy about that but whatever.... Then she hands out yarn to represent the hair. She gives one mother several pieces of different color yarn and says to her " I made sure that she had all her highlights represented, but I guess if you don't want to use ALL of them then I guess it's okay".... Now at this point people I realize she has a little OCD kicking and a side of Bipolar and I have to laugh, outloud, because clearly she has issues. Here is where the fun begins...She had also cut out several ribbons for the girls to put in their yarn hair. People, I was just happy to get the damn yarn hair glued on the paper plate without Em trying to glue her own damn hair to the plate...never mind making a pretty ass bow to tie and glue again in the hair. So, I take my pretty ribbon and place it in my bag because crazy bitch keeps coming around the tables and cleaning up every scrap of paper once it hits the table. God forbid the craft table gets messy.... I didn't want her convulsing over the fact that I was not following the display to a T, so I hid the evidence as she reminded me several times during her clean ups that I still had the ribbon to put in the hair. Now, once they ribbon hit the bottom of my bag something switched on in that bitch's head.... Have you ever watched the SNL skit of the Gap Girls with David Spade, Chris Farley, and Adam Sandler? Do you know that part where Chris Farley's character reaches for a French Fry and David Spade says " I thought you were going on a diet" and Chris replies back with this deep Satan voice "Lay off bitch, I'm starving".... That is EXACTLY how this crazy bitch sounded when she said to me " I thought I told you to put the ribbon in the hair" People, normally I would have went ape shit but this bitch is scary, I thought her head was going to start spinning around. I think she might actually be a robot... I am totally expecting her to explode before the class ends. When I see her head decapitated on the floor and those red robot eyes fade to black I will let you know... I will make sure and say I told you so.... For those of you that do not know of this skit on SNL that I am talking about... I don't want to know how young you are, just rent the damn video this weekend. It is the funniest friggin skit on SNL ever... really it is.
I am still bringing Em to this class... I am just not going to push Robot Satan's buttons and just ignore her....
Nothing else is going on... I have house work to do, laundry, blah blah blah. You know, fun wifey mother shit. So, until later people....
People, the first class last week wasn't so bad. It was me more of showing Emily what actually we were supposed to be doing there. She sat on my lap, we glued, colored, squeezed glitter... fun shit for a 2 year old. The craft we were working on was on display at the head of the table to show us what everything was supposed to look like. Mind you, I don't give a rat's ass what the craft is supposed to look like. I am there for three reasons:
1. To get my caged monkey out of the house for awhile
2. To make a mess in somebody else's "house", if you will.
3. The whole Bonding thing
Well, this fresh 20 something chick doesn't get that whole thing. The first time we went to the class I was just trying to get Em into the swing of things and thought maybe she was as well... Firstly she is one of those people that do not have kids that speaks to them as if they are all idiots in that sickly sweet squeaky voice... it is annoying as hell... but she seemed a bit edgy and upset that our toddler's crafts were not up to par with the displays. She actually said to me at one point " I guess it's okay that you allow your child to do their own thing".... Hmmm, ya think? Do you mean to tell me you actually think she is going to be able to copy all your drawings? Ummmm, she is two, she likes to color on herself more than the paper.... So, then at the end of class she has a "snack" for them, or what I like to call a bag of crack.... It might as well have been as she gave a bunch of two year olds at 10 in the morning 4 double stuffed chocolate Oreos. Not only that but this chick actually thought she was going to get these kids to stand in a line quietly and squared away before receiving their " bag O crack". She kept getting upset if a child would get out of line.... But again, I was thinking it is all new to her and maybe being around that many kidos was getting to her.... So, let's fast forward again to yesterday.
The kids were supposed to make a self portrait using a paperplate for their face and cut out shirt to glue to it. You were supposed to decorate the shirt with their name and pictures representing things they liked or liked to do. Yeah, okay... I gave Em the marker and said have at it.... So, crazy chicky comes around and starts inspecting our work.... She tried to "explain" to me what the shirt is supposed to look like as I guess she figured that I am an idiot and can not tell by the display. I tried to explain to her that Emily does not not how to draw a straight line let alone make a picture. She didn't look to happy about that but whatever.... Then she hands out yarn to represent the hair. She gives one mother several pieces of different color yarn and says to her " I made sure that she had all her highlights represented, but I guess if you don't want to use ALL of them then I guess it's okay".... Now at this point people I realize she has a little OCD kicking and a side of Bipolar and I have to laugh, outloud, because clearly she has issues. Here is where the fun begins...She had also cut out several ribbons for the girls to put in their yarn hair. People, I was just happy to get the damn yarn hair glued on the paper plate without Em trying to glue her own damn hair to the plate...never mind making a pretty ass bow to tie and glue again in the hair. So, I take my pretty ribbon and place it in my bag because crazy bitch keeps coming around the tables and cleaning up every scrap of paper once it hits the table. God forbid the craft table gets messy.... I didn't want her convulsing over the fact that I was not following the display to a T, so I hid the evidence as she reminded me several times during her clean ups that I still had the ribbon to put in the hair. Now, once they ribbon hit the bottom of my bag something switched on in that bitch's head.... Have you ever watched the SNL skit of the Gap Girls with David Spade, Chris Farley, and Adam Sandler? Do you know that part where Chris Farley's character reaches for a French Fry and David Spade says " I thought you were going on a diet" and Chris replies back with this deep Satan voice "Lay off bitch, I'm starving".... That is EXACTLY how this crazy bitch sounded when she said to me " I thought I told you to put the ribbon in the hair" People, normally I would have went ape shit but this bitch is scary, I thought her head was going to start spinning around. I think she might actually be a robot... I am totally expecting her to explode before the class ends. When I see her head decapitated on the floor and those red robot eyes fade to black I will let you know... I will make sure and say I told you so.... For those of you that do not know of this skit on SNL that I am talking about... I don't want to know how young you are, just rent the damn video this weekend. It is the funniest friggin skit on SNL ever... really it is.
I am still bringing Em to this class... I am just not going to push Robot Satan's buttons and just ignore her....
Nothing else is going on... I have house work to do, laundry, blah blah blah. You know, fun wifey mother shit. So, until later people....