Don't be a hater
I hate spending money on myself. I feel guilty about it. There is so much more worthy things our money should go to like Em's constant need of a new wardrobe, food, diapers, bills... I actually have broken down and allowed myself every week to go and get something to eat with my friend Sarah while our kids are at school. I spend maybe about 5 bucks and I still feel badly about it. So, for me to go and buy myself something like clothes or shoes, well, it almost never happens. I haven't had a pair of sneakers since I was a waitress... That was thankfully a long time ago! I also hate spending money on clothes because for the past two years anything I have owned has been stained. Somehow whatever Em has gotten into has managed to make it's way onto my clothing as well. What is funny is I actually scrub the shit out of her clothes and I just end up throwing mine out. I insist that her winter or summer attire last for the season I bought it for since we spend so much money on her clothes. I want it to actually last. However, I somehow gave up about giving a shit about my own clothing or how I look. It has gotten bad people. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I have about 5 short sleeve shirts and 7 long sleeve shirts... Which is sad because I live in the south. Let's not even talk about the shoes or lack there of. I am a poor excuse for a woman!! So, last night I finally broke down and told Keith that I needed to go shopping... Not that he gives a shit because he always tells me to go get whatever I need. God knows I do for Em, I wouldn't have to do laundry for her for a month and she could wear something different every day. AND she has about 10 pairs of shoes to boot.
So, I am going shopping soon for myself. I have to tell you I am not thrilled about it. Em needs a whole new wardrobe for the summer and probably in two different sizes. One for Spring and early summer and one for later since it stays warm here for a long time and I expect her to grow...So for me to say I am buying myself shit on top of that is going to eat away at me. I will have to do it in small increments so it doesn't eat away at me!!
Anyway, Em is turning three in three months. Insane. She might also be starting preschool the same time. Crazy. Of course with her getting older has gotten me thinking more and more about another baby. With that comes the reality that it's more than likely not going to happen. I wish I could find away to accept that and not be heartbroken but I am getting depressed about it. I have tried to move on and gave some baby stuff away in hoping to make it seem okay. If I hold on to it I have to look at it and allow myself to think that it might. The worst though is the clothes. I become attached to the clothes and the memories they hold. I have tubs of Em's old clothes waiting to see if they hold another little one. I have to start getting rid of them.
So if you haven't been able to tell I have been kind of "down" a bit which is why I haven't been up to blogging a whole lot. It's not only the whole baby thing. I have two good friends leaving this area in the same time frame. They also have kids Em's age so that means she will be loosing her buds that she plays with on a regular basis. It sucks. But, that's the military and at some time or another it happens. I am not the type of person that befriends people easily. I don't kiss ass to make friends, I am not overly friendly, and a lot of times I come off like a bitch to people. Add that in the with paranoia I have about me being told that I am pretty much a "shitty friend" from somebody who I thought I was a very good friend, well let's just say I don't see me hanging out with anyone over the summer. Not to mention that with Keith leaving in August again and realizing that I will be totally alone with the exception of Em, has brought me down a bit. I don't want to get into the whole thing about me being a shitty friend... This person did not come out in say it in those words exactly but that is exactly how they made me feel and after 6 years of friendship they just stopped talking to me. I guess I was so wrapped up in giving Em every opportunity to thrive in her speaking and social skills that I "ignored" her and didn't give her enough attention. I have talked to my other friends and they have assured me I am not a shitty friend, just being a good mother. They completely understand, besides, they have their own lives to attend to. Still, it did throw me for a loop. I have never been treated before like I was a shitty person and it does leave it's mark on a person. But whatever, if anything it taught me to treasure the friends I do have which is why I will miss these girls that are leaving soon.
Anyway, It is getting warmer here... We are leaving the house more and recovering from being sick and the holidays. We have a trip to NY in April to look forward to and weekends at the beach. Things are not so bad my friends....
Later people
So, I am going shopping soon for myself. I have to tell you I am not thrilled about it. Em needs a whole new wardrobe for the summer and probably in two different sizes. One for Spring and early summer and one for later since it stays warm here for a long time and I expect her to grow...So for me to say I am buying myself shit on top of that is going to eat away at me. I will have to do it in small increments so it doesn't eat away at me!!
Anyway, Em is turning three in three months. Insane. She might also be starting preschool the same time. Crazy. Of course with her getting older has gotten me thinking more and more about another baby. With that comes the reality that it's more than likely not going to happen. I wish I could find away to accept that and not be heartbroken but I am getting depressed about it. I have tried to move on and gave some baby stuff away in hoping to make it seem okay. If I hold on to it I have to look at it and allow myself to think that it might. The worst though is the clothes. I become attached to the clothes and the memories they hold. I have tubs of Em's old clothes waiting to see if they hold another little one. I have to start getting rid of them.
So if you haven't been able to tell I have been kind of "down" a bit which is why I haven't been up to blogging a whole lot. It's not only the whole baby thing. I have two good friends leaving this area in the same time frame. They also have kids Em's age so that means she will be loosing her buds that she plays with on a regular basis. It sucks. But, that's the military and at some time or another it happens. I am not the type of person that befriends people easily. I don't kiss ass to make friends, I am not overly friendly, and a lot of times I come off like a bitch to people. Add that in the with paranoia I have about me being told that I am pretty much a "shitty friend" from somebody who I thought I was a very good friend, well let's just say I don't see me hanging out with anyone over the summer. Not to mention that with Keith leaving in August again and realizing that I will be totally alone with the exception of Em, has brought me down a bit. I don't want to get into the whole thing about me being a shitty friend... This person did not come out in say it in those words exactly but that is exactly how they made me feel and after 6 years of friendship they just stopped talking to me. I guess I was so wrapped up in giving Em every opportunity to thrive in her speaking and social skills that I "ignored" her and didn't give her enough attention. I have talked to my other friends and they have assured me I am not a shitty friend, just being a good mother. They completely understand, besides, they have their own lives to attend to. Still, it did throw me for a loop. I have never been treated before like I was a shitty person and it does leave it's mark on a person. But whatever, if anything it taught me to treasure the friends I do have which is why I will miss these girls that are leaving soon.
Anyway, It is getting warmer here... We are leaving the house more and recovering from being sick and the holidays. We have a trip to NY in April to look forward to and weekends at the beach. Things are not so bad my friends....
Later people