Has it been 7 months yet?
Okay, so I am sitting her asking myself why exactly I'm in a bad mood...all the time. Hmmm, good question. Let's see, besides the whole "This country is going to shit quickly"... I think I am really having a degree of difficulty with stuff at home. I have not fully adapted, I guess you could say. Emotionally I am doing good... I am better... the whole doing everything under the sun thing by myself is really sucking ass though. I seriously work my ass off every day from 7am-8 or 9. I allow myself to sit and relax during her nap...even then though I can't fully do it, I think I need to still be doing something. Even at night I can't sleep. I seriously think I might have to go to the doctor and get a non-addictive, can wake up in case the baby cries, sleep aide. I wake up every night around 2-5 am (yes, I am actually awake during that whole period)... My mind is in overdrive about what I did, what still needs to be done, Keith, money, gas, everything... I can't turn it off. I have done this every night since Keith left. My brain just refuses to turn the hell off... it is driving me nuts, let alone, making me very tired. My family in NY keeps wondering why I don't come "home" for awhile... I will... I just NEED to get this straight in my head first. I need to accomplish this. I need to get it right. I feel like I need to know I can do it all myself, not run home to Mommy and Daddy. I need to keep being Emily's Mommy, be the good Marine Wife, and somewhere in there be Julie all at the same time... here in our home. I stress way too much and find myself pinging over every little thing. I need to change my head around, let things go... I just haven't figured out how to do that yet. I don't want to freak about everything, I just do. I need to realize that the house does not need to be at 100 percent.. so what if there are toys everywhere... It is just so hard for me to do that though. Never mind when the farm has started up... the dogs are going crazy playing on the couch and growling loudly and Em is whining about something again for the 1000 time and is playing fountain again with her milk on my newly cleaned floor that I did twice in one day, and all still wondering if Keith is okay and wondering when the hell he is going to get in touch with me again... I go in the other room and swear ALLOT and grit my teeth.... I can feel my heart beating in my chest... It's great. Why can't I just laugh and let it go? Why can't I be that person? Why can't I be June fucking Cleaver and get it right? How long is going to take for me to adjust? Well, I think I can make it better by realizing that Nothing needs to change except me. Or that is about all I can change. I can't make the dogs stop being dogs, I can't stop Emmy from whining to me when she wants something, I can't make the house magically clean itself, and I can't stop a war. Sooo, I just need to get to that turn, make the step... One thing at a time. All in all, I just need the time to adjust and not let it all pile up in my head... I just want it to happen now though so I am working really hard at changing myself.
Now, on to my favorite topic... I love the age that Emily is right now. I wish she could talk a little more but all in all it is great. I love the walking... I love the running to give me hugs, the holding hands while walking... all the funny noises, the trying to stand on her head, The book reading, the sitting in my lap and laying her head down so I can go through her hair, The playing with toys, chasing the dogs, the laughing, the smiles I get, The love I see in her eyes. This is truly a great age, an age where everyday is a learning of all of life's simplest things. I love just watching everything she does....
Tonight I had our glass front door open in our living room and Emily saw some bigger boys playing outside. She started pounding on the door and looking back and yelling at me... so, I got her shoes on and out we went. She had a blast chasing after all the boys. Then she decided she wanted to scope out the neighborhood so she took off with me on her tail... she laughed, giggled, shrieked in sheer delight over everything she saw... it was so awesome. To me, then at that moment, I realized just how big she had gotten. My big girl running around outside playing.. not crawling, not me holding her... all on her own. She is no longer a baby, although in my heart she always will be mine...
So, my friends, thanks for letting me vent... as you can tell I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed... I guess that is normal. I am just trying to keep everything together all while trying not to worry about my husband who is in a war zone... It has only been a couple of weeks, I guess I need to give myself time. I guess I also need to not be so anal about everything. I just need to concentrate on being Emily's Mommy and not worry about if the laundry is done yet, I will get to it at some point...
Thanks again, until later....
Now, on to my favorite topic... I love the age that Emily is right now. I wish she could talk a little more but all in all it is great. I love the walking... I love the running to give me hugs, the holding hands while walking... all the funny noises, the trying to stand on her head, The book reading, the sitting in my lap and laying her head down so I can go through her hair, The playing with toys, chasing the dogs, the laughing, the smiles I get, The love I see in her eyes. This is truly a great age, an age where everyday is a learning of all of life's simplest things. I love just watching everything she does....
Tonight I had our glass front door open in our living room and Emily saw some bigger boys playing outside. She started pounding on the door and looking back and yelling at me... so, I got her shoes on and out we went. She had a blast chasing after all the boys. Then she decided she wanted to scope out the neighborhood so she took off with me on her tail... she laughed, giggled, shrieked in sheer delight over everything she saw... it was so awesome. To me, then at that moment, I realized just how big she had gotten. My big girl running around outside playing.. not crawling, not me holding her... all on her own. She is no longer a baby, although in my heart she always will be mine...
So, my friends, thanks for letting me vent... as you can tell I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed... I guess that is normal. I am just trying to keep everything together all while trying not to worry about my husband who is in a war zone... It has only been a couple of weeks, I guess I need to give myself time. I guess I also need to not be so anal about everything. I just need to concentrate on being Emily's Mommy and not worry about if the laundry is done yet, I will get to it at some point...
Thanks again, until later....