Somebody's Hero
Have you ever had one of those moments, a "lightbulb" moment as Oprah likes to call them? I can't say that it is an every day occurrence for me but yesterday I had that moment.
Let me back up just a bit, give you a little background as to why I haven't been on the Blog scene. It is kind of hard to describe especially since I don't exactly understand myself all too well. Here is the the best way I can try to explain it... For 7 months I did everything myself, I "pinged" allot people. I was on the verge of having a heart attack, I had chest pains every day. I was stressing beyond belief. About Keith being safe, about taking care of Em, about taking care of the house, the cars,the yard, the dogs, the cats... and so on. Then Keith came back, we had a trip to Tenn., we had family visit, we have been dealing with Em have a rough time adjusting and being a normal 2 year old, we have been trying to get back into a routine. Things have been good, I have less on my plate, allot less stress and yet I could not stop the "pinging". Keith has been great helping... Things have changed for the better but yet I was still uable to cope with normal everyday things. I started not wanting to do things I enjoyed, like Blogging, I just didn't feel like myself. So, I finally took a step back and realized I didn't want Em to perceive her mother as somebody who is a stress monster and went to a Dr.
So anyway... I think allot of it is things just changing instantly, putting too much pressure on myself... that sort of thing, and of course realizing that Em is just your normal 2 year old monster... I need to stay calm, I can't get upset over every little thing...
Which leads me to yesterday and my lightbulb moment. My neighbor has a little girl just a couple months younger than Emily. I have been disturbed by the fact that she allows her toddler to play in our roads sometimes unattended, or it seems to me. I know it is base housing but that doesn't mean a car can't hit the child... anyway, Yesterday the mother and child were outside together and Em was playing in the front yard and decided to take a stroll over to where they were. I followed her and was neighborly and began to talk small talk... Not something I am real good at but I didn't want to seem like a stuck up bitch as allot of people seem to think of me because I am quiet. So anyway, the mother tells me how her daughter kicked her while she was trying to change her diaper... then she proceeded to tell me that she smacked her child in the face (she called it "Popping" if you want to get technical). I was mortified. She then told me she "popped" her in the face again because she was throwing a fit about getting in the carseat. That is when it happened people... the big realization. I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER. I have NEVER hit my child out of anger or ever intended to hurt her to "teach her a lesson". NEVER. I might get stressed, angry, upset, feel crazy... but never ever would I ever do something to intentionally hurt my child, and IF I ever see somebody lay a finger on my child to intended her harm I will KILL you... do not doubt that. So, you see people, I have turned a corner, I know I am not a bad mother for getting upset or feeling stressed or even "pinging"... I am beginning to think that is pretty dang normal, maybe I will go as far to say that I am normal for feeling that way. Maybe I just needed that time to adapt. And for those of you that don't understand what I mean by "pinging" it is what I like to call my "Fuck Me" moments. You know, when curse words seem to just flow out of your mouth uncontrollably... For example let's say the dumb ass dogs are outside barking their brains out, I just found cat piss for the billionth time someplace, and Em is whining and trying to climb me like a tree limb. That is when I say things like " Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck me!!"... That is what I mean by "pinging".... Glad we cleared that up...
So I might not be perfect, but I sure as hell don't hit my child. I would like to think that I am Em's hero. I hope she doesn't see me as the freak that I have felt like lately. I love her more than life itself. Actually I told her just yesterday that I love her more than there are stars in the sky... and that pretty much sums it up. So, I hope to be on the right track... a road to understanding that I am not perfect. A road back to feeling like myself. So starting tomorrow morning I am going to be checking out some of my old Blogs that I used to love reading and getting caught up on all of your lives. I hope you all have been doing well.
On another note the creature seems to be doing well. Keith and I bought a fire pit and put it very close to the edge of the woods. We sit there at night and just relax. Well, we have been hearing the creature walk around... He has loud footsteps ... He has been getting daring and getting closer... I wonder if he thinks I am freak too... Hmmm, maybe I will ask him the next time we have a fire...
So anyway people, I hope to be updating more often. I was actually thinking of deleting the Blog at one time. I am glad I didn't...
Tata for now...
Let me back up just a bit, give you a little background as to why I haven't been on the Blog scene. It is kind of hard to describe especially since I don't exactly understand myself all too well. Here is the the best way I can try to explain it... For 7 months I did everything myself, I "pinged" allot people. I was on the verge of having a heart attack, I had chest pains every day. I was stressing beyond belief. About Keith being safe, about taking care of Em, about taking care of the house, the cars,the yard, the dogs, the cats... and so on. Then Keith came back, we had a trip to Tenn., we had family visit, we have been dealing with Em have a rough time adjusting and being a normal 2 year old, we have been trying to get back into a routine. Things have been good, I have less on my plate, allot less stress and yet I could not stop the "pinging". Keith has been great helping... Things have changed for the better but yet I was still uable to cope with normal everyday things. I started not wanting to do things I enjoyed, like Blogging, I just didn't feel like myself. So, I finally took a step back and realized I didn't want Em to perceive her mother as somebody who is a stress monster and went to a Dr.
So anyway... I think allot of it is things just changing instantly, putting too much pressure on myself... that sort of thing, and of course realizing that Em is just your normal 2 year old monster... I need to stay calm, I can't get upset over every little thing...
Which leads me to yesterday and my lightbulb moment. My neighbor has a little girl just a couple months younger than Emily. I have been disturbed by the fact that she allows her toddler to play in our roads sometimes unattended, or it seems to me. I know it is base housing but that doesn't mean a car can't hit the child... anyway, Yesterday the mother and child were outside together and Em was playing in the front yard and decided to take a stroll over to where they were. I followed her and was neighborly and began to talk small talk... Not something I am real good at but I didn't want to seem like a stuck up bitch as allot of people seem to think of me because I am quiet. So anyway, the mother tells me how her daughter kicked her while she was trying to change her diaper... then she proceeded to tell me that she smacked her child in the face (she called it "Popping" if you want to get technical). I was mortified. She then told me she "popped" her in the face again because she was throwing a fit about getting in the carseat. That is when it happened people... the big realization. I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER. I have NEVER hit my child out of anger or ever intended to hurt her to "teach her a lesson". NEVER. I might get stressed, angry, upset, feel crazy... but never ever would I ever do something to intentionally hurt my child, and IF I ever see somebody lay a finger on my child to intended her harm I will KILL you... do not doubt that. So, you see people, I have turned a corner, I know I am not a bad mother for getting upset or feeling stressed or even "pinging"... I am beginning to think that is pretty dang normal, maybe I will go as far to say that I am normal for feeling that way. Maybe I just needed that time to adapt. And for those of you that don't understand what I mean by "pinging" it is what I like to call my "Fuck Me" moments. You know, when curse words seem to just flow out of your mouth uncontrollably... For example let's say the dumb ass dogs are outside barking their brains out, I just found cat piss for the billionth time someplace, and Em is whining and trying to climb me like a tree limb. That is when I say things like " Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck me!!"... That is what I mean by "pinging".... Glad we cleared that up...
So I might not be perfect, but I sure as hell don't hit my child. I would like to think that I am Em's hero. I hope she doesn't see me as the freak that I have felt like lately. I love her more than life itself. Actually I told her just yesterday that I love her more than there are stars in the sky... and that pretty much sums it up. So, I hope to be on the right track... a road to understanding that I am not perfect. A road back to feeling like myself. So starting tomorrow morning I am going to be checking out some of my old Blogs that I used to love reading and getting caught up on all of your lives. I hope you all have been doing well.
On another note the creature seems to be doing well. Keith and I bought a fire pit and put it very close to the edge of the woods. We sit there at night and just relax. Well, we have been hearing the creature walk around... He has loud footsteps ... He has been getting daring and getting closer... I wonder if he thinks I am freak too... Hmmm, maybe I will ask him the next time we have a fire...
So anyway people, I hope to be updating more often. I was actually thinking of deleting the Blog at one time. I am glad I didn't...
Tata for now...