Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A new day has dawned.

Keith, Emily, and I only have hours left together as a family of three. Keith will be leaving shortly, Emily and I will be going to NY... and when we are all together again we will be a family of four. It is strange to think that this is our last day together here as it has been. When we come back here we will have a new addition to the family and it will only be to pack our things and move on to the next base. I am the first to admit that I have never really liked the base housing here but as I sit and look around I can't help but think of the memories it holds for us. Emily's first steps, her yard where she explored the great outdoors, and her room jam packed full of her treasures. This place is where Em and I waited for Keith for his last deployment... where he came home and signs hung saying "Welcome Home Daddy". It has never been my favorite place but some of my favorite memories as a family have been here.

I have been in denial about Keith leaving... or rather very busy and not focusing on it. There has been so much involved with the planning and preparation for not only him leaving but for us as well. I know I can not keep him here... so I guess in a way I have not allowed myself to get into the emotions of it so that I can get on with what needed to be done. But now with only hours left it is all I can do to keep it together. I am not scared of him leaving, I have no fear of the unknown because this is not our first time doing this. I will miss him but my heart is breaking for Emily who I know will miss her daddy immensely. My heart breaks for this baby inside of me who might not get to see their daddy on the day that they are born. Keith volunteered for the Marine Corps... this is his job and I as his wife have an understanding of that. I do not feel that anyone owes us anything because our sacrifices are of our own choosing. However, I do feel that this country owes my children everything for their sacrifice. The little one will grow within and move without daddy's hand on my belly never feeling it or hear his voice. It will be born and not be held by it's daddy until he can come home. Emily will grow 8 months older, taller, more independent... She will go through Halloween without holding daddy's hand while trick or treating, Have a turkey dinner on Thanksgiving with out him, and open Santa's gifts without him as well. She will ask me every day where he is. She will miss him every day. And every day for me it will be just as hard as the first to have to answer that for her. So, America you can thank my children for being able to lay down at night and sleep through the night without fear. Their daddy is ensuring you of that right and for the freedoms you enjoy. They do it not of the choosing but because that is just what their daddy does. He is their Hero...

So, I am leaving for NY the day after Keith leaves. I will be spending the night on the road once again. It will be strange walking out this door knowing I will not be back for well over half a year. On the other hand, it will be good to be in NY and be with family. The last time Keith left it was hard being here alone. It was hard not having a "back up" and being alone all the time sucked. I know being with family will make the time go by quickly, I will be in a better frame of mind, and just being in NY at home makes me happy. Emily will have her cousins to play with and she will be attending pre-school as well so maybe she will make some friends. We will have holidays with family, I will have adults to talk to. And as if God wanted to make sure that I knew I was doing the right thing, as if I had any doubts he decided to give me a little clue on Monday. I ended up getting very sick on Sunday night into Monday morning. When I say sick I mean as in vomiting every 1-2 hours and not being able to keep even water down. I ended up going to the hospital and staying to get fluids and meds to make me stop vomiting. On Tuesday I felt like I had been hit by a Mac truck. I pretty much layed on the couch all day and even that took great effort. This morning I felt better, much better. Then as I was getting ready in the morning I noticed a spot in my eye... HOLY Shit my eyes are bleeding!! That is right people, both my eyes were sitting in a pool of blood. So, being the crazy person I am I called the hospital and demanded that I be seen to make sure the baby was okay... cause everyone knows that when your eyes bleed something might be wrong with your baby... (You can insert your eye rolls here)... so I went in and they couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. MUST. NOT. PANIC! Of course they do a quick ultrasound and the little one is moving, had a hiccup, and practiced it's breathing for me (sucked in some fluid)... So, all is good with baby minus it's mother. So, God, I got your point. I am going to NY and happy to be doing so....

So... I have things to do, clothes to wash, and a crap load to pack, and a house to lock up tight. I will write once I get in NY and get settled. Wish us luck. And to Keith... God Keep you safe and know that you are in my prayers. I will miss you every day and every time that I look into Emily's eyes I will see you and when little one within moves I will feel you. Know that you are with me in my heart and in our children. We will all be waiting for you. Semper Fi